Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Great New Job

Job: # 4377

Company: Financial Services Company

Location: Meltdown

Details: The now friendless non-executive Chairman of the Board of Directors at one of the world's largest Real Estate firms is seeking a Personal Driver, Gal/Guy Friday, and new best friend.

This position is very high stress and will entail a wide range of responsibilities. They will include everything from comforting the weeping, huddled mass that was formerly the cocksure Chairman, scampering around New York City to take him out for pancakes and ice cream, providing structure to his shattered life, and doing some personal shopping.

A valid Driver's license, a lack of recently diminished personal investments, and no real concern for the future of the economy are a must! The ideal candidate for the job will be New York savvy and also have a great attitude toward despondent sobbing and a very flexible mentality.

- Drive the Chairman around Manhattan while he plays with his old G.I.Joes in the backseat; always choosing the best and quickest route to Shake Shack and McDonalds for the Happy Meals.
- Running personal errands to bring him stuffed animals while he sucks his thumb under his bed.
- Helping the household staff with shopping and errands.
- Coordinate and serve food at private dinner parties for the Chairman and Mr. Panda.
- Assist with household tasks such as shedding documents, finger-painting the walls, cleaning the chairman's bottom, etc.
- Travel with the Chairman to the Hamptons and Palm Beach occasionally and help the building of SandCastles.

- Prior experience as a Driver is preferred but not required.
- Ability to navigate New York City flawlessly.
- Perfect driving record and impeccable references from all previous employers.
- Willingness to take a grown man who has soiled him self down from a ledge.
- Must be incredibly well mannered and poised.
- Strong interpersonal communications skills don't matter, as the Chairman is functionally a child again.
- A no task too big or small mentality.

SALARY: $60-65 a week + benefits + bonus.
HOURS: 8am - 6pm with flexibility to work on occasional evenings.

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